Communication

When you voice a concern, do you expect to be ignored? No.

Then, why should I?

Talking to someone that doesn't listen is like talking to a brick way. There is no communication which causes problems that build up to a boiling point. Communication is about expressing yourself verbally and physically to build a strong foundation. However, sometimes things can get be reckless but I'm working on controlling my emotional roll coaster. But the only way to work on communicating is to literally talk things out, Effectively.

I'm tired of feeling unheard, and I'm very tired of the excuses! Get it together!

Constant Temptation

"Cheat on me once, Shame on you. Cheat on me twice, Shame on me... for not beating you to it."

Everyday, Every hour, Every minute, Every second... filled with constant temptation. Close and personal sexual advances that make the mind wander and drift away from reality. Being in a relationship, being in commited relationship is very hard to do.... Hard to maintain when you can't keep a solid thought with your fantasy right in front of your face. Desires, hidden inside and suppressed, were now revealed. Searching and seeking constant pleasure and fulfillment was the new way to play the game. Dominant and strong features engraved into my memory... He stood tall and proud. Allowing him to seduce me and take control... No strings attached. Only allow surface affection... cheek, neck, shoulder, lips... Surrendered into his passion, enjoying the being in between. On ectasy, an outer body experience, and chills... reaching heaven and floating back down, he held me. Feeling complete was the key, and he gave me everything i needed. He was my complete fantasy, my sensual secret. Sinking into reality, back to my life and relationship... my fantasy gone to his world, chillin' with his girl. Tomorrow, he will call... and we will back in constant temptation, as we engage in this affair of him pleasuring me.

Beautiful Being

Barely opening her eyes to the world,
a little baby girl was born.
Two parents, one home, that's was the life.
The American Dream that's hard to achieve...
the opportunity to strive, struggle, and survive.
That's what her parents did for her...
All the potential in the world...
God loved His little baby girl.
Arms swingin' and Legs kickin'
Dancin' to the rhythm of life.
Growing up and stretchin' out,
She danced to the rhythm of life.
Minnie Mouse outfit the first day of school,
and Fruit Loops to share with the class,
She searched for her own rhythm.
Mommy and Me ballet and tap class,
She began her own rhythm.
Transferring to a private school,
and wearing a blue plaid Uniform,
She struggled to find her own rhythm.
Ballet, Tap, and Jazz on Thursdays,
She found a pattern to her rhythm.
Inducted into Company A,
She set the opening of her dance.
Going into middle school,
Lots of friends, Lots of excitement,
She practiced that rhythm.
Moving up to Company B,
Jazz Dancer of the Year,
She found her style of rhythm.
High school, freshman year,
Varsity Dance Team,
She practiced that style.
Moving on to Company C,
Ensemble Dancer of the Year,
She set the body work of her dance.
African Dance 1,2, and 3,
She found her beat of rhythm.
Moving to the top of the Company, D...
Dance Captain,
Principal Dancer of Spirit,
Artistic Director of the Year,
She found her direction and future.
Senior Year,
African, "Passion,"
Artistic Solo,
She found her own passion, Dance.
"Phenomal Woman."
She's a woman, Phenomally.

Reality of Unconditional Love

I look into his eyes, searching for all the flaws that once resided. Trying to find reasons to keep my wall up and maintain this guarded love, I find nothing... Nothing! They were nowhere to be found. These deceiving eyes now held truth... and with passion, looking back at me saying, "I love you." The three words that felt so good but hurt me the most in the past... but something was different about the way he said it. It felt it pure, free of the emtional struggle that lives within our past.

Confused from the emotional journey of ups and downs in our entire relationship, I struggled to find clarity in this fresh, new intimate relationship. Realizing that there were still some issues and insecurities from our past, I tried to focus on the flaws and guard my heart as much as possible. However, being emotionally unavailable broke me down mentally and physically... but He was there. He was there for every moment of my emotional and mental break down, even when I didn't want to get out of the bed... He was there. I cried, yelled, laughed, and smiled... Emotionally and mentally confused, I was angry, sad, mad with tears streaming down my face but happy because He was There! He didn't walk out and he didn't shut down... He Stayed! He comforted me, He held me, He answered my questions to best of his ability, and He listened to me. He was completely open physically, mentally, and emtionally... and was handle everything. He handled this business like a man... like a man.

He was no longer the rising college freshman flirting with me... NOW, He was a young man going to adulthood as a rising senior in college. Learning from his mistakes, Growing from his past, and Handling his business on his own. He was Changing, He has Changed. Looking at him now is like looking a different person... he has matured, gained confidence, grown from his inseccurities in addition to his same great personality, humor, sacrism, and intelligence. I knew that the past was now just that, the past and our previous relationship was just another memory of the past. Our relationship is completely different, although some memories may surface in the future... They are no longer the reality of our future.

Wrapped in his arms and looking into his eyes, I fell in love again. This man standing in front was speaking truth to my heart and exposing the very core of himself to heal my broken heart. I was released... and my love began to flow. My unconditional love for him surfaced, and I had to surrender... I allowed myself to love again. I was happy to be open, free, and able to express myself... I'm In Love.

The Reality of Unconditional Love is the joy that comes out of pain, the laughter that comes out of crying, and the beautiful smile that comes out of frowning...

and the Truth that I can't see my life without Him.

Confessions, Cleansing of the Heart

Not sleeping to two nights in a row has got me thinking...

As much as a care for someone, I'm still not mentally stable in a relationship. I try so hard to move on from the past but one little phrase or word could trigger a past experience with this person, and I can't take it anymore. It's killing to force myself to be happy when I'm completely confused and unsure of my future with this person. I'm happy that we are trying to work things out... but Damn, everything isn't going to be fixed over night, nor a week or two. Having situations and thoughts unspoken from the past has affected my ability to see our future together.

• How can I ever be comfortable his sexuality when he cheated on me like it was nothing... not once but several times and hide it from me. He was living a double life, and I was his cover-up. I'm always going to think he is hiding something now... He chose to be and stay in the relationship and continuously hurt me, but he stole my choice. I didn't have a choice.
• My ego is shot... completely. I know i'm sexy as hell.. well at least I know now, but he is confusion damaged my self-esteem. I use to be very sexual and flirtatious, but after being rejected from the person you are in a relationship with... one starts to wonder what is wrong with them. WTF? Are you or are you not atrracted to me? Do you not see me standing here half-naked?
• I don't understand why he gets upset or uncomfortable when he is put in certain situations or something is brought up... News Flash! It's your life... It's your drama... You created it. I'm upset because this sh*t didn't have anything to do with me, but the one with the insecurities. I'm MAD AS HELL... investing my time into something that never existed. All this d*mn drama now because I can't fully commit anymore.
• What hurts the most is that he was my friend before all of this... Friends don't hurt friends to the point of no return and Friends don't screw up your life! I thought he was a good friend, I thought I could trust him, I thought it would be ok to open up to him but i guess i was wrong. I have never felt more betrayed in my entire life... He knew everything; the past, present, and future.. I told him things that no one else knew but God.
• I gave him MY all... and he chose to take it and keep me in the back of him mind while he was fucking with some nigga... He kept his secrets and allowed me to believe his lying a**. Ain't that about a B*tch...
• How could be in love with someone like that? How do you let go of the hurt and pain? How do you let go of the laughter and stares from outward eyes looking in and knowing what I didn't? How do I not let it eat me up inside until I completely shut down?

Confessions of a Damaged Heart...

Broken...

Overwhelmed by her experiences of such pain and heart ahce,
Her spirit is broken...
It broke her heart,
It broke her trust,
It broke her soul,
It broke her faith...

Swollen eyes staring in a mirror looking a corpse,
vacant of any emotion or feeling.
Tired of trying to push forward,
Tired of the pain,
Tired of the emptiness,
Tired of trying to maintain.
Glazed, in a daze, she tries to get through her daily routine,
but today is one of her Bad days...

Thoughts flowing in the frontal lobe,
while memories attack the unconscious mind,
she searching for her pillow to let out another cry.
As she closes her eyes and lays lifelessly on the bed.
encountering these experiences...
Day by Day,
Hour by Hour,
Minute by Minute,
Second by Second.
Tormented by visual pictures in her head...

Apologies for a Broken-Hearted Girl

(Dedicated to those who picked up a Piece of the shattered Heart)

~ It’s been a long time coming, I have finally gotten closure. Thank you for all of your love in support through out this experience. I cherish each in every one of you for sticking it out, because I was a lot to deal with at times. I had a lot going in my life and in my head that I didn’t talk about and you kept me together even if didn’t tell you at that moment in time. I appreciate you have been for me. The healing is finally complete.

17 years old, the Principal Dancer of the high school dance program, a member of the Varsity Dance Team (DT Hunnies!), the Star of the African Dance show, Miss Regional Dance Educators of America ‘05 and dating the Popular Pretty Boy at school. Friends since the 2nd grade, We decided to take an elementary school friendship to the next level. Although high school is drama filled, Two years, six months; Almost my entire high school career thus far… We had managed to keep US together; well until his Senior year. He changed, and I wanted out but that was possible at the moment well not for me at least. Passed out on stage, Major pains in my stomach, My fantasy world was turned in a Reality, and he was no where to be found. The “US” that was young, In Love, and innocent came to a sudden end with no explanation. I handled certain things the best way I knew how with friends and other loved ones that keep me together. We dealt with it together; Without him.

A year I get message of apology, “I miss you. I’m Sorry, I wasn’t ready. I am young and I didn’t know what to do.” In Response, “Before anything else, I was your friend first. You could have, You should have talked to me. I’m younger than you and that didn’t stop me from dealing with it. You were my First Love, and you just up and walked out like was nothing. I will be fine on my own, oh and Congratulations on the Engagement!”

Two more years pass, a Random message, “What is it this time?”
“I heard you up at the Burg, I miss you. How you been?”
Reply, “How did you get my new number and how do you know where I am?”
“Just because we stopped talking didn’t mean that I didn’t care. I ask people about you all the time. You’re my First Love and you did have my first bun… 3yrs?”
Reply, “Why do you care now? Aren’t you married now?”
“I always whether I showed it or not. And, No I’m not.”
Reply, “I guess, you didn’t tell me how you got my number?”
“I don’t worry about it. I want to see you. I need to see you.”
Reply, “For what?”
“So we can talk. We need to talk about what happened.”
Reply, “You dipped, I handled things on my own, You got expelled, and You were gone, The End.”
“It’s not like that, that’s why we need to talk.”
Reply, “Fine. One talk.”

One month later…
Look, I know you probably fuckin’ hate me and you have every reason too but I want you to know the truth. You deserve that much seeing as I put you through so much. Well, the shit that happened my senior year was overwhelming for me but I didn’t stop fucking wit’ you because I wanted to, I had to. Apparently, the shit got out and I was called into a meeting at school and they told me to leave you alone and the next time I get in trouble that I will be put out. So that why I had to keep my distance, but don’t think for a second that I didn’t ask my fuckin’ friends and your friends how you were doing. I use to ask our teacher n shit everyday, how you were doing? I just trynna keep my ass in school, but I cared. I still do love you. I’m truly sorry I put you through that all alone. I want to make it up to you. You are my First Love. You should have been with me all this time instead of with that other guy.
“Wait! Don’t talk shit about him since he suffered for all the pain that you caused me. He put up with that shit and he didn’t have to but he loved me that much. He loved beyond the hurt and pain but you couldn’t understand shit like that. My fuckin’ phone worked. My phone wasn’t cut off, you lived 10 minutes away from me, and you knew where my dance studio was because you was there the whole summer before. So if you wanted to know how I was, you would have called or visited. So I’m not interested in your bullshit.”
True, true, I just figured that you wouldn’t want to see after all that happened at school so I just keep my distance. But I don’t want you think you aren’t my heart. Moms still ask about you sometimes. Babe, I still care. I still love you.
“I still love you too, but I don’t care anymore. I will always my First Love but I don’t think that could ever care again.”
Well, we will see what happens.

Now, The Current: (We have kept communication over the year)
Home, to visit family, friends, and loved ones… Chilled with the Ex, we are friends again or so I thought… We had casual convo at first then “US” comes up…
So you miss me?
“Umm… I guess.”
So why can’t you spend the night?
“Because I don’t to put myself in a position where I’m not thinking clearly.”
What’s that mean?
“I’m over the past and what happened now, but it has affected the way I view relationships and love in general. I’d rather be another good girl you Lost than another Name on your list. I’m more realistic in viewing relationships now and I know this isn’t for me.”
What isn’t this for you? I want you, I want to be with you. You have blossomed into a beautiful independent butterfly.
“Well, I have lost a part of my heart. I don’t love with my all and I don’t in happy endings. It’s not me anymore. I care about you, but don’t anything for you.”
We can work on that. Allow me to heal your heart…
“It’s been so long I don’t think that is possible.”

“It’s over. Forever.”